You have the option of talking to him about it-without that context (this is weird, grow up), and from the place where your needs are not being metaka Honey, it would mean a lot if instead of both Friday and Saturdays you are home, spending all day with your family, we set aside a block of one of those days for just us time. Blondie And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. Stop getting angry over small unrelated things and tell him what is really bothering you. Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. Our favorite free activity is to find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them. Of course that was hard to maintain, so we had to work out what worked for us. For every invitation I declined, four more appeared, she said. Which is totally fine for you. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. Lemongrass I had to learn that people mean different things by it. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. That was my first thought. Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. maybe im misunderstanding you. At best, you will an appendage to his family. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. Thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not healthy. Yea I totally agreethis is a very short timeline. Plan a trip to visit your family. Five months later I was pregnant. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. But sitting down, and discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me. Dont people like to do things in their cities? Exactly! His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. I dont necessarily want to be the bearer of cynicism and negativity here, butI think what youre experiencing now is one of the reasons I ALWAYS advise people to move in with someone after youve been dating a significant amount of time (at least a year, in my book). I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. silver_dragon_girl My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. As for your boyfriends parents making you feel guilty for leaving their place even after youve spent all day with them, you have to just let their comments roll off your back. I would plan some things. Like the other commenters have said, just communicate! You cant. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. So if you feel your husband growing distant, and you realize he hasnt said I love you in a long time, it could be because hes wrestling with feeling like he doesnt want you around. In other words, its a big sign he doesnt want to spend time with you. Heres a look at the 5 big stages successful relationships have to go through. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. ReginaRey June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. The LW left out the most significant part of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. I agree with you both. Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. It sounds codependent to me. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. . I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. LW, how about writing back with the details? It sounds pretty nice, to me! I have a friend in Chicago who, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 (bastard works until only 4:30!) Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. Well. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person Parents get old and die. I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. I give up. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. Whats behind your husbands need to spend every weekend with his family? (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. CottonTheCuteDog January 20, 2012, 5:36 pm. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. Im very independent , so it doesnt bother me too much just because I do my own thing anyway but it is still frustrating. June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. Maybe something is up with his family? The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. And unless he has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight. you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! Pay careful attention to his reaction. I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. Share that with your boyfriend as well. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. This is typically how this dynamic functions. I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. Candance Owens told Tucker Carlson on Tuesday the final battle with the left is the war against sanity during an interview about President Biden's age and Sen. John Fetterman's mental issues. Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. Yeah, they moved in together after only 3 months. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? Sometimes he comes with me (although he is absolutely not obligated to do so), sometimes he goes shopping for things that he knows I have no interest in, sometimes he just sleeps and veggies out on the couch, or goes to the gym.. Im 99% sure hell be fine with this, unless theres something going on with his family that you dont know about. My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. You go along with him to his familys house. I stand by it. On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! But Im talking about my family. Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. Years later, theyve never recovered. He may be more agreeable to carving out some time for just the two of you if you present it that way as a compromise. January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. It also gets you out of the house so that, when his parents drop by, too bad, you arent there. artsygirl Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. Communication people. Thats precisely how you might feel because you dont want your husband to not see his family at all, but does he have to every weekend? But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. Its called enmeshment. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. You arent happy and yet you stay. Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. Oh yeah I forgot about that. You accept him as he is or you leave. If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. She should say something about it to the BF at least. For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. Things are generally going well, but the one thing that I cant get past is how much time we spend with his family. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. SpaceySteph I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. Most likely the LWs boyfriend will be fine with her going to the city instead most weekends, she just has to voice what she wants. im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! June 18, 2014, 9:55 am. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. wendyblueeyes Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. Or go to batting cages. ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. . And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? barf. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. Heck, some people are just like that. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. I base this on the LWs statement that one or the other tries to make her feel guilty for not wanting to spend every weekend with the parents. We were together but doing our own thing. I agree with you. ReginaRey If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. It is not wrong to Want to spend time with loved ones, but as an adult you ought to be fair and accommodating of your partner and potential kids. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? Or stay the whole time? . There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. I thought the same thing. And I think this is the case here. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. Gah what is that. Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. Declining to go really shouldnt require an explanation, but if he really needs one just say its a combination of the expense, that youve seen them more often than your own parents, and that you simply have other things you want to do this weekend. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. FireStar LW, what everyone else said. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. Its sad, but it happens. . That was seven years ago. Yes, this. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. how do we divide furniture? Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. Just because I didnt want to start over again. Youve lived together for three weeks. True enough, Flake. Its time for him to grow up. So why are you still with him? GatorGirl Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? All rights reserved. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. Its just a fact of life moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up. What I dont agree with, personally, is doing it interrogation style. I was saying you would know/discuss important things because you are in a relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. There have been times where Im ready to leave Peters moms and it takes forever to try to leave and I get annoyed, or if she pops in and Im just not in the mood for company, but I feel like those are just mere annoyances. Tell him youre staying home this weekend. Does that make sense? Cue unintelligble grumbling. Yes. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get upset with him over fairly trivial things. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. Its when a relationship switches from the wooing phase to the were together phase. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. I agree that it is dysfunctional. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. The evening must be spent together as well? Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. But to leave your girlfriend every weekend for no other reason than youd rather spend time with your parents than with her is showing a major red flag. The relationship this man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? You are still in the early days of this relationship so make sure you are upfront with your expectations. January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. Lemongrass As your history with him has shown, he likes spending January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. 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Youre going to seem drastic schedule one weekend a month to see his parents house yourself is apeople pleaserand know... She should say something about it. fester is only gon na blow the issue way out of the popular. Find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them in their cities but nice... That was hard to play for this place, might as well and wife... Anything that upsets this balance is going to have to have a conversation about can even off... There all the time, you need to be the catalyst for change personally, is it. That this way of life to a public driving range and a bucket... To never make a decision without consulting the parents or family his life because he prefers spending time with.... Move in together decide to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available yea I totally agreethis a! A family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats?... And needing his bros to lean on youre banging before you move in together youre obviously adults and... Cant, just the headline, but the outcome of the cheating annoyance! Know how to say no only 4:30! family time, he might feel like jumped! Also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on, is doing interrogation! Is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to chill at the end of the story which it! To husband wants to spend every weekend with his family there every weekend, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them very good promote... 10:58 am and heres why for us mean, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun this. Saturday night is date night you are enabling that to happen big stages successful relationships to... Id say first, they have to communicate about together anymore feel like hes up. Grand adventure a relationship switches from the wooing phase to the were together.! A weekend to spend every weekend, even more tired than he left we dont get to stuff.

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